Wednesday, July 18, 2007

I don't want to be your pillar of salt

Fight with Cam today. I hate that.  It's like an earthquake.  He's my safe place.

I pointed out to him that this marathon sleepwalking I've been doing really started up when I started writing more about the past.  Which I was only doing because he wanted me to.

If it's supposed to be so wonderfully healthy and important to take a good hard unwavering uncomfortable look at things that have already happened and are over and done with, why do we have phrases like let sleeping dogs lie?  Why do people say things like stop living in the past?  You never hear anyone say I really wish you'd live in the past more.  

Why would we have a myth about a woman who was turned into a pillar of salt for taking a glance over her shoulder at a place of ruin and destruction she was safely out of? Punishment for peeking back when she should have been living in the now and just happy to be alive.

That used to make me laugh — a pillar of salt, who even thought of that?  Why salt?  And if salt, why a pillar?  It just didn't make sense.

Now I think it's horrible.  To be alive and moving and warm, and then feel yourself hardening into a component element.

Did she feel it happening?  See her own hands — too white, too beautiful — one last time before her eyes crystallized into solid tears?

Cam pointed out that I was sleepwalking before I started writing about the past, and also having nightmares.  Which I haven't been having at all lately.  The sleepwalking may be keeping him on his toes, but I haven't noticed a thing.  And (he says) even I have to admit that I'm a lot calmer lately.

Am I?

"Aren't you?"

I guess it doesn't sound so bad when I write it out here, but I was really angry and he was really serious.  And then I was almost crying, which made me even angrier.

"Maybe you need to be angry more often," Cam said.  "It beats being afraid."

3 comments:

Schrödinger's Cat said...

Why salt?

Because a Pillar of Pepper just sounds silly.

heh

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Marisa said...

Your description of the pillar of salt made me shiver - I never thought of it that way before!