Cam is bugging me to write more.  

"You started to write about the night we met," he said.  "That's good."

I didn't say anything.

"Why don't you finish writing that?"

Nothing.

"I'll give you a dollar."

Didn't smile.

"Those doughnuts you like?"

I glared at him.

"Hey, I'm just saying I'd do a lot for a box of my favorite doughnuts.  Nothing wrong with being cheap sometimes.

"What's it going to hurt?" he asked.  "It happened, you write about it, you prove to yourself that you can go back and take a look at whatever you want whenever you want to."

Except I don't want to.

"It's one thing not to want to," he said.  "It's another thing not to be able to.  All this stuff that happened to you has power over you if you can't face it."

I don't want to have more dreams.

"I'll be there for you."

I don't want you to have to be.

"I don't mind."

I just don't see the point of going back there.  We both know it happened.

"Let me ask you something," Cam said.  "When you look ahead at the future, what do you see?"

I thought for a minute.  Nothing.

"Yeah, and it's going to stay that way until you've faced your past.  You're not a whole person until you do that."

Just because somebody saves you doesn't give them the right to be a pain in the ass.  

When did you turn into a self-help book?

"I'm a selfish jerk," Cam said.  "I love having you here.  I love how we are now.  I'd be happy to live this life for the rest of my life."

Then why do you keep poking at me?  Why can't we just keep things the way they are, if we're both happy that way?

"Because I don't think you're happy, and I'd like you to be.  I'd rather risk losing you than not do right by you."

It had been a long time since I felt really terrified.  They say you don't remember pain, but I hadn't forgotten an inch of that.

I'm not going anywhere.

"I know you're not."

Are you going to let me stay?

"Let you? I'm asking you to.  But I want it to be a choice for you. Right now it isn't.  That makes me feel mean.  Like I'm using you."

I looked at him in amazement.  What was he talking about?  He's given me safety, warmth, cleanness and softness, hot water and stories and food.  I can't pay him a dime.  And he's so hands-off it's almost silly.  I half expect him to put on a chastity belt every night before he goes to bed.  

How could he be using me?

"I can't explain," he said.  It was nice when I didn't have to go to the trouble of asking questions and he'd answer them anyway.  "I've never lied to you, so you're just going to have to take my word for it."

Okay.

"Will you please try to do what I asked?"

I'd almost forgotten what we were talking about.  Didn't like being reminded.

I thought for a minute.  He didn't push me.

Can I really have the doughnuts?

He smiled.